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Morbid Curiosities and Fascinations with Death
Aug. 5th, 2008
09:08 am - Well, here it goes
I'm having a hard time telling how much I am taking vs how much I'm just winding up and punching myself in the face.
I've avoided thought streams here, because I have forgotten their purpose. All it does is cause strange comments and coarse thoughts from those who read them. Especially today, because this won't even be a straight stream... interrupted by actual responsibility and the false front I find in front of me... perhaps as usual.
I don't want to tell you a story, or the path that my life has taken recently. Hell, I don't really want to tell you anything. I just want to put it all here to get it out of my head... as though finding the right place to put it will drain it out of me. The frustration and confusion in me. I'm running out of other places to put it, and I'm sick of throwing it at other people... even though that is, unfortunately, what I'm kind of doing now.
I've had these thoughts to stay away before, but the context was different. I was trying to take the emotion from everyone else and hold it myself, and it wasn't working. As was pointed out to me, the more I held onto it, the more other people were stuck with it. Now, I'm just trying to stay away. It's hard to explain.
Hmm, see, I have all this want and desire and confusion and directionless emotion. Each time I've thrown myself back into everyone, it gets reciprocated, and that's become bad... or maybe it hasn't... I can't even tell. I can't keep this straight...
I don't know how many times I have to say that it was never about me before people start believing me. It was never about me. I try every once in a great while to act for myself but I always leave chaos in my wake. It always changes and stretches me into something distinctly different than before. For some fleeting moment I see something that I truly do desire and I grab for it... but when I do... something else happens... the thing changes, or the thing doesn't want me, or the thing does want me and I destroy it.
I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to do this, even though I don't even know exactly what it is I'm trying to do. I want everyone to be happy, and I'm frustrated when they are because I've put myself outside of it to make it happen.
...
I'm having trouble looking forward. I act for the day... for the moment...
...
I want to stop. I want to scream out names and why I am so frustrated by everybody. I want to yell at them and find out the truth. I want to be there at every moment with each of these people and I want to know why things are the way they are. I want to know how it all got to this, and I want to know why I am so in the dark. I want to know if I brought myself to this awkward position or if I was dragged here. I want to scream and yell and I want people to tell me why. I want them to know why...
...
See, I'm torn between this. I'm torn between wanting everyone to get along without me... to act like I was never here at all... and wanting to be part of it. Somehow it's too much and not enough at the same time. I don't want any of you to talk to me, but I want you all to know, but I don't want you all to know... I want you all to get along without me... but I want to know what is happening...
...
I'm so frustrated...
...
I know what it is. I do. I just hate saying it, like putting it down in black in white will somehow make it final and unchangeable. It's like writing down what it is now will prevent it from changing like it always does... or maybe I'm just afraid that by the time you all read this, by the time you read what I think it is right now... well... it won't be that anymore. I'll have moved on or changed or punched myself in the face again and it will all be different and you'll comment on this old information as though it's what will be bothering me then.
...
They are all on without me. It is better that way, and there's no use in any of you telling me otherwise. Life is moving on, and I've stretched myself too thin. If I involve any of you in my own life, I'll just try to drag you in further like I did before. I'll smother you with my own emotion and you'll be overwhelmed. I can barely handle it all myself. I don't expect any of you to take any of it and add it to your own... that would be foolish. Just let me figure this out. Let me go away for awhile. Let me remove myself from all of this... Let me take a moment.... a moment to ... see straight... see who I am... and what I want...
...
...
I'm trying so hard... Why can't you see that? I'm trying... I'm trying... I'm doing my best... I don't know what else to do...
Please stop.
![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/sad.gif){kind=small}
pessimisticJun. 24th, 2008
Jan. 24th, 2008
05:15 pm - dot dot
...
Did I do the right thing?
...
Life is weird.
...
In lines with my resolution, I think it is appropriate to say that I have yet to act this year in a way which I regret, though it has been hard for me.
...
With what I have been given, I think I have done okay. I don't think I've done great, but I think I've at least attempted to explain my actions and feelings. I'm not sure everyone gets it, but I feel like I've explained to the best of people's tolerance for my ability... if that makes sense.
Sometimes I wonder if people would ask me if they required explanation or if they would more naturally wait for me to explain myself.
...
I wonder why I write here.
...
Hmm... maybe in another 78 weeks.
![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/thinking.gif){kind=small}
pensiveJan. 10th, 2008
12:00 am - New Year Resolution
I resolve to forgive myself for all that I have done in my life.
Jan. 5th, 2008
12:00 am - Thank you
Thank you all for your comments. They have helped me think through some tough items.
Dec. 5th, 2007
04:40 pm - 78 weeks ago...
78 weeks ago. That was my last journal entry. That was the last time I wrote anything like this.
It's probably a good sign. Generally I write here because I can't get a thought out of my head. I tried writing some things down today in a class I'm taking. It didn't work as well as I had hoped. I tried to write and write and write, but the thoughts kept coming faster than I could keep up with them.
I'm not going to copy down what I wrote there, but I'll probably revisit the subjects as they still race through my mind.
You see, I learned something important today. At least, I think it's important. Something has changed... or at least, I think it has changed. Something is there that I didn't recognize before and it's about how and why I hurt.
I've fucked up too many times you see. It's not an external thing, it's a me thing. This isn't making sense, I apologize. Let me try to summarize.
It was never my hurt that mattered to me. It has always been other persons' hurt. Hurt is normal and it hurts me to see them hurt and that is normal. Normal is fine. It is those I have hurt that is torture. It is hurt that didn't have to happen. It was hurt that I caused and that I can't stop and that won't go away.
I think that those I've hurt are over it... and I think that those I've hurt are over it because I have taken it from them and made it my hurt. But those people will never for give me, and that makes my hurt worse. I have hurt for noble reasons and I have hurt for selfish reasons and it doesn't matter what those reasons are because I have hurt, and it is torture.
They are happy now? I don't know. I can't find out. To find out could reopen hurt and so I won't let myself check on them. It's my hurt now and I don't want them to find it again. I'm trying to make them not be hurt. I'm trying to keep it all so that they will forget... I've fucked it up so hard so many times for so stupid reasons that I can't forgive myself and I understand why they won't forgive me... but I can keep it to myself. I can keep them from hurting because of me... I can keep them being over it by staying away...
But today I have to let some out. Today I have to put it here where there is a slim chance of someone reading all this nonsense and taking mismeaning... but I don't know why.
Is this the season? It's been 78 weeks. I can feel it coming up from deep inside of me. Someone found something and thought of me and it's awoken this hurt... this self hate... this utter... disappointment in myself for having done things that I consider ... terrible.
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry and I can't stop.
--- Thought stream /or/ a weak attempt at a change in thought ---
I'm staring through the stars. I see an impossible horizon in the sky. Something approaches but I don't recognize it. It seems so real. It's so real. It's trying to tell me something as I try to speak, but I cannot.
I'm so sorry. It's funny in a way. A random thought. A stray light.... a run... and existential drama staring nobody but myself with myself the only actor, the only character, the only viewer, because it must be so.
I can't keep it straight.
no no no no no no.
---
I have so much to do. So much to think... so much to dream.
I need to dream this through. I need to know. I need to know what it is. I can dream and people can sometimes see it. I can think hard enough about something that the person knows it's me. They can somehow see me. They can somehow know that it's me... can't they?
I wonder if my fantasy is what keeps my reality in check... or is it delusion? fine line I suppose.
They say delusions aren't things that are necessarily not real, they are only not believed by the people around. So... I suppose the question is what I really believe.
I think that my dreams can take me places that I am not. That they can take my thoughts to people to whom I dare not speak. I want to stay away from them. I want to leave them alone. But I wonder if the only reason I can do that is by believing that I can send them my thoughts and dreams and then I won't have to...
this thought is lost. It's a trainwreck.
Look at this. Look at what I've written. Read it again, go ahead. It's a sham. It's an illusion. It's stupidity. It's some retarded emotional thought of me thinking I can straighten this all out. I can live with this hurt. I've harbored it for so long already. It's no different than any other day. I can't put this anywhere, I won't let myself.
---
---
---
---
---
--
-
-
-
--
-
-
-
-
Look. I'm just... I'm sorry. I wish I could undo all the things I've done to hurt those of you I have hurt.
I never meant to hurt anyone. I never meant to hurt anyone.
I'm so sorry.
Despite how all this sounds, I want nothing from any of you I have hurt except to believe that I am truly sorry.
Jun. 7th, 2006
11:10 am - It's quiet here.
It's quiet here. There is only the gentle hum of the computer across the room. The rest is silence disturbed by the tick tack tap of my fingers on the keys.
I'm allowing myself to think for awhile, and I'm rapidly recalling why I generally don't.
There's something I'm trying to remember. Something's there. Someone's trying to tell me something. There was something I wanted. I was to tell someone something. There was somewhere I was supposed to be.
---
It's so quiet. I can't tell.
---
Pull them close, push them away. Now that's my style. Try not to this time. You shouldn't do such things. They'll know you, but not understand you. They'll see you, but not see into you. That's the way you want it, isn't it? You want this. You act like you want this. Don't do it this time. Do it the right way. Eh, this isn't even making sense anymore, even though they will think it does.
---
It's just another day. It's just the same old thing, the same old thoughts. You don't have to understand it. You didn't then, you don't know, you may never know. It's just not important right now. Continue with what you do. Fill it to the brim, there will be no time for such thoughts. Do what you said you wouldn't, move past it, there is no understanding, and no point in it. Why should anyone understand if you don't. Why should anyone want to?
---
Today, you is me, I, myself, whatever context required. Today, I am writing to myself, but now I'm done.
![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/blah.gif){kind=small}
exanimateApr. 17th, 2006
10:24 am - Another Weekend Passes ...
... and as expected, not much changes. Still I sit here and type such things, still I wonder at possibilities and consequences. I think, perhaps, too much about those things that I imagine passes through most people's minds like the considerations of what to eat for lunch that day.
I am tired and bruised. I am hurt and sore. I am having your normal average Monday.
There was something... in the past... that I used to do... it escapes me currently.
I'm tired.
...
What a strange weekend it was. So many threads lain straight. So many thoughts brought to their conclusion. So much truth discovered.
...
Hah, somehow, at some point, I learned to miss people I've never met.
At least Eric is coming home. There's someone I've missed whom I have met.
![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/tired.gif){kind=small}
tiredApr. 15th, 2006
02:58 am - Thought Stream
To each place its own destination, will be reached by its own accord. Towards that far off shore, we each find our way. The path unwinding before us, our blindness our only guide.
My deceptive heart, my true feelings, the blood in my veins.
Those I've righted, those I've wronged. Each thread, I try so hard. The thoughts that bring me to this place. Those I've left behind, those I've yet to find. Their hope, their dreams, their disappointment, my role in their lives.
My life, my morals, they are mine and only mine. Each has their own, and my thoughts, my life, my experience is not theirs and is therefore meaningless to them. But it's not about them, is it? It's about me. I try to learn, I try to ... not ...
If only I could see their thoughts, if only I could know for sure.
If only I wasn't so tired.
This medium is losing focus. These words are a deception. No, not a deception, not a facade, but a filter. It is there to obfuscate the true meaning of what is in my heart, my mind. I want to tell you, but I'm not sure I want you to know. You see, I'm scared of you. I'm scared of what you might think of me and those things in my life I have done.
They are thoughts and intentions... the amount of consideration taken should make them right, intended, but my actions do not always bring about that which was considered.
I want to make ...
I want to give people back something that I feel they have lost. I want to make people hope who have none. I want to make people feel like that there are still good people in the world. I want to reassure people that there is someone like me who is still trying.
Behind my cynicism, behind my harsh thoughts and words, there is still hope. I am still hoping for all of those things in my dreams to be real. And the only way I can convince myself that they are true is to try and convince others that they are true... to try and find those examples that prove them true...
It's so hard though. I try to do those right things, and see how they are marred by what cannot be controlled. Instead of helping out so many people tonight, I have perhaps disappointed them all. I have tried to ... planned ... set the times to what I thought was precision. Instead, people ... who meant something ... perhaps they are thinking of me and wondering why I ...
You see, there are some actions that are so clear cut, so good, or so bad, that there is no room for judgment. But there are those things, those events, those actions, that should be carefully weighed against the purpose, the desired, behind those actions. However, those things cannot be seen, so how could they possibly be considered. The lens through which they are viewed is not the lens containing those desires and purposes, they are lenses which contain the personal experiences of they who look through them.
I'm trying to say, I can see how I want things, how I think things could be better for all those around me and myself. I try to act accordingly, so as to bring about those realizations, but instead, the consequences are not as previously envisioned, but instead created a circumstance in which the viewer can only ask why such a thing would happen, and be hurt by it.
I want to explain to you all what is in my mind and my heart, but I don't know how. I have this hope of certain events, but I can't explain them to you right now. I've tried to tell it all to someone, and I hope he understood, but the process of having done so has forced the realization that there is the part of me that still hopes for those dreams to come about and also there is the part of me that believes they never will. As in perhaps all people, they vie for control of my sub consciousness, my consciousness, and neither has gained enough strength over the other. Each appears the dominant thought from time to time, and other times, I am only confused and misaligned.
I know what I want. I thought it through to a new future, but tomorrow will prove to me that it can or can't happen.
I'm nervous. I'm intimidated by the possibilities. I haven't felt this way about much in my life. But, just by thinking of tomorrow's various scenarios, my heart leaps into my throat and begins to beat wildly.
Ugh, my thoughts are losing focus. You see, I meet people all the time, and I know a lot of people, and though there are those with special places in my heart and mine, it has not been until recently that any one of them has caused such a state in me.
You perhaps see my thoughts wandering to possibilities. Perhaps you see in this diatribe a battle between my hope and despair. My selfishness and my compassion.
I am slouched in a chair, staring at a computer screen, listening to a song, typing on a keyboard, trying to sound like I know anything about anything. I am not like or unlike anyone else in particular. Given the right set of circumstances, any person could maybe be me, and maybe I could be anyone.
I think I know when the day turned, I'm just wondering about the consequences.
Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day.
Apr. 8th, 2006
04:50 pm - More Has Come!
Sorry for the delay, I've been a bit sick, so I didn't update as soon as I would have liked.
As it turned out, new rules and regulations have been handed down to us at the consulate. Over the past year, they have been steadily taking more and more from us without offering anything in return. The whole spirit of that place has turned from good to bad to worse. It got to the point that on Wednesday I was considering quitting without the promise of another job in front of me. I pulled up and put the finishing touches on my letter of resignation. I printed it out and sat it next to my desk and looked over my employment "contract" to make sure that everything was going to go as I planned. I decided to take a minute to reflect before doing anything rash, and checked my e-mail.
In my inbox was a message from Dave, it read something like...
>Got funding for ReComm. We're hammering out the details of the contract now.
>Formal letter with numbers and stuff should come soon from Brian, but the
>commitment is made.
>When can you start? :-)
So, long story short, I handed in my letter of resignation on Wednesday. I'll work there through the rest of April and start the new job on May 1st. The new job is in Ann Arbor, and is better in pretty much every possible way.
There's more to say, but I think I reflect more before continuing on.
HOORAY!
Apr. 5th, 2006
Mar. 23rd, 2006
11:35 pm - The Long Drive Home
I was out in Royal Oak with some coworkers after an event at the Consul General's Residence. I thought a lot about a great deal of things on the way home. Part of me wonders what I'll write now. I seemed to have such a clear idea of what would appear here when I started, but now the mindset is changing.
I imagine I was to write random depressing thoughts concerning my life, people, and the world in general, but those thoughts seem a bit too detached for me to make sense of them. The truth is, I feel like I am losing focus. I don't mean that I am losing focus on my goals, or on some far off destination, I mean I feel like I am losing the ability to focus. Complexities of a particular problem or course of action still unravel before me in the same manner as they previously did, but I don't feel that my ability to bring about those situations are as clear as they have been in the past.
I'm tired, and of course I have been drinking, so I am bound to ramble a bit, but let me try to resurface thoughts that have otherwise faded...
I am beginning to accept that there are few if any people in the world that think or act concerning anything but themselves or how something will affect themselves. That acceptance does not bother me, however, the fact that this acceptance doesn't bother me DOES bother me. Does that make sense? It's something about the fact that I don't care as much is a fact that I do care about.
hmm...
I feel like I am so close to something. I feel like this summer is going to bring about something great in my life. I feel like things are going to fit together in a way that will finally make sense, that something I have truly striven to create will finally come to fruition... that all those things at which I have tried and failed will cease to hold meaning to me because there will be something that I have striven for that was realized.
The hard part is after x odd years, I'm so far out of patience that I can barely keep focus.
mmm... I can feel the thoughts moving quicker which is an indication that I need to cease lest my writing become as erratic.
Just know that I am near positive of all the people that may see this, and I think about you often.
contemplativeFeb. 27th, 2006
02:06 pm - It won't be long now...
3 separate things in my life are finally working out.
1st, if funding does come through, I'll have a new job in April. I'd be working in Ann Arbor, finally eliminating my retarded commute after over 3 years. I'd be working in a small office with people I already know I can work with since I have done so with them in the past. I'd be making more money and have a chance for advancement. Also, I'd enjoy the job a hell of a lot more. So, put short... it's just better than what I have now, and that's great.
2nd, Dave laid down the ground work for purchasing his house. This means that I'll have a place all set to live after Chris and Ruth move away to blissful co-existence in some state far removed from here. It's good, because my rent will be less and I'll be living with people I know I can get along with. It will allow me to save up some money for a place of my own after a year or two. I will miss living with Chris at HVR, but apparently time catches up to us all at some point. It'll be good though, and I'm glad that it is coming together for everyone.
3rd, the word has come, Bill and I are starting a new co-ed ultimate team. It is our understanding that VC, the previous co-ed ultimate team, is no more. It is our strong opinion that co-ed ultimate is something that needs to happen in ann arbor, and this is the perfect year for a new team. The more and more we find out from the community, the more and more it all comes together to point at us to go forward with this thing. I'm really looking forward to it. I really think that Bill and I can make something good.
I'm glad this is all coming together. It's been a long winter of craziness and depressive thoughts... both my own and others. Spring seems to be bringing with it a new kind of hope and clarity... even though it is officially some months away...
I hope that the spring brings good luck to us all.
=)
Feb. 22nd, 2006
03:32 am - I can't sleep.
Who is it that has me so on their mind that it is keeping me up this night? What thoughts of me are running so fiercely through your head that it has awoken me from so far away?
I can't sleep, though I can barely stay awake.
Please, tell me or let me go. I'm not sure how long I can exist in such a state of limbo. I'd happily give you whatever it is you need, but please please, let me be. I'm doing my best, and I'm sure you are as well. If you need something, please tell me. Then, our best may compliment each other rather than keep us awake at night.
It's cold here.
tiredFeb. 17th, 2006
11:43 pm - ...so what will he write next...
...so what will I write next...
The wish for something more... I wrote it. I have parts of me spread across the world. I have parts of me spread across paper. I have parts of me spread across fantasy and reality. There are parts of me spread across people, and fake people, and real people, and ideas, and fake, and real, and stories, and ideas, and pasts, and futures, and presents, and sighs, and things I hear, and don't hear, and wish I could hear, and can almost hear.
There is a dream in my heart, in my mind. I can't quite grasp it. I can't quite see it. It is the word that is on the tip of my tongue. It is the dream upon my awake. It is the story I can't quite remember. It is the person whose name I can't quite remember.
There are names, dreams, people, places. I can't place them. I can't grasp them. They slip from me. The are slipping from me. They are slipping from me.
I am in Florida right now. I followed a plan that was not mine so that I could leave the place I was. I am away for awhile, and so I am thinking about these things. My time is so sparse. I have no time to think. If I do, I am not sleeping. If I do, I am not doing all those things I should be doing. Here I should be doing nothing, but instead I am thinking. I can't think it through. I can't hold onto it.
I am tired once again. Maybe that is why I am writing.
I had some thoughts about my life today. I thought about things I have done, the people to which I have done them. I have thought about my family, my friends, my loves.
I can't think this through right now. It doesn't feel real, and I am too tired. I have to stop now. I'll write more later. I won't write about this later, because I am emberrassed to put it here.
hmmm...
I hope these thoughts don't make sense, because I am tired, and they are not making sense to me.
Feb. 5th, 2006
11:47 pm - Music, Accompanied by Stream of Thought
See a little more everyday. Learn something new. Tear something down. Build something new. Dissect it, examine it, know it, destroy it, rebuild it, try it again. Try it anew. Find a new thing to try. See something new, try it again. Look some more for something. Find it. Find it. Look for something new. Listen to what it says. Learn something new. Try is again. Try it some other way. Leave it. Find something new. Try it again. Try for something different. See it again. See it again. See it again. Look for something different. Find it. Learn it. Learn something new. Try it again. Find it is the same. Find it. It was not meant to be different. You are meant to be listening. You are meant to read this listening to the song. You are meant to try it again. You should try it again. You should leave it alone. Try something new. Find it. See it. See it again. Wonder why. Wonder why. Wonder why. Leave it alone.
Listen to it again.
Try it again. Write some more. Think it through. Find the same road. Find your place on the road. Run somewhere else. Find something new. It's right there looking at you. A line erased. A line rewritten. Look some more. Listen to it while you read it. Learn something new. Make a new judgment. Listen to the rhythm. Remember it. Remember it. It is not what you think it is. It wasn't what you thought it was. It's not suppose to make sense. You are supposed to listen to it while you do it. You are suppose to learn something. You are supposed to find something new. You are looking for something that wasn't there. You are looking for something. You are looking for something. You are closing your eyes. You are still seeing something. You are supposed to leave it alone. You are supposed to keep looking. You are not suppose to be idle. You are supposed to be doing something else. You are listening to something that is not there. You are looking at something that is not there. You are listening to something. You can hear it. It isn't important, no one else can see it. It may not be there. It is there. Find it. Try it again. Look harder. Find it again. Find it. Read it. Learn it. Find it. Learn it. I want it this way. It was meant to be this way. I have to try harder. I have to try again. I have to look for it.
Listen to it again.
Pause.
Change it. Try it again.
What are you looking for? What are you expecting to find? Why are you here? For what are you looking? I found it. I found it. I tried again. It worked this time. This time is better. This is better. This is closer. This is almost there. I can see it. I can feel it. I can feel it. It is close. It will be here. I will be happy. I can feel it. I can feel it. Find it. Think about it. See it. See it. It is real. It is real. Find it. Learn something new. Are you listening to it? Try it while listening to it. It makes more sense that way. It's a rhythm. It's a rhythm I want you to see. I want you to understand. I don't want you to have to. I don't want you to do that. I am getting closer. There is a poetic stream. I'm getting close to the things that are on my mind. I'm getting closer to saying the things I want to say. I can picture the thoughts in my head, and they are bleeding onto this page. You are still reading this by necessity, but it is not mine. You are here because you want to be, not because I asked you to. What are you looking for? Why are you here?
It is forming in a particular way. It is articulated in a way that is not meant to confuse, but is not meant to yet be clear. It will be though.
Listen to it again.
It is the imagined battle against something that is created by my mind. In the absence of the ultimate realized desires, we attempt to create a new one, a replica of it. Some of us find it, some of us need nothing beyond this facade. It doesn't matter which is the case, because the perceived reality of the situation is reality enough. I knew that, but someone reminded me of that recently. I wonder how I forgot. It seems so basic, so necessary. Reality is this. It is what we see, what we perceive. Do you understand?
pause
I make faces.
I hesitate but do not pause. The words continue. The words continue. I see something coming, though I cannot see what. I will create it before it arrives. I will turn it into what is needed for me and for it. Why are you still reading this? Why am I still writing this? Do these words have meaning to you? What is the meaning? I already know what they mean to me. Help me create this reality. I want you to help me create this truth. I want it to be true. I want someone to tell me that it is truth. Listen to the music, it will make more sense that way. If you listen to the rhythm, you'll understand why people do what they do, why the words flow like this.
Listen to it again.
My eyelids have become heavy. This may be the last time. I found and admitted to my friend Dave that I fantasize about people. They are rarely sexual. They seem important. I fantasize about what people do. I fantasize about what they think. I fantasize about what they dream. I fantasize about what they think about before they sleep, when they first awake in the morning. I imagine who they are. I imagine what there lives are like. I imagine what they think about me. I can see them. I create them. They let me. Sometimes, they want me to. It is almost real. They are fantasies, but you do the same thing. You fantasize about people, you fantasize about me. You fantasize about what I was feeling when I wrote this, and no mood tag will tell you. You will create me. You will create my life. I have begun the story for you, and each time you read this, you will help me write more. You will respond to me, you will respond to my questions, to my call. I want to hear about your fantasies. I want to know about you. I want to know you. I want you to know me. I want us to know each other. I want to ...
pause.
It's not the words, it's the voice, the rhythm. Listen to the song and try to read it again. You will create something that will be true.
This time I will listen to it without writing. Then I will sleep.
Feb. 1st, 2006
03:49 pm - A Dream
At the beginning of the dream, I was at some sort of party. I remember chatting with various people I know. Familiar faces, their names not important.
Next scene, I'm in some sort of waiting hall. I'm wearing a suit and my red power tie. I'm going to be the next guest for David Letterman. The set is on one of the floors of some high rise rather than being on ground level. One of the guests from the party is there and I am talking to him. I tell him I don't even know why they want me as a guest for this show. He seems shocked and tells me that it has to do with what happened last night. I ask him what happened last night. He tells me that later into the party, I met a girl and we hit it off. He says that I went back to her place to chat. After leaving, he tells me that she committed suicide. I am shocked and confused. I tell him that I have never blacked out from drinking too much, and that I am really upset that I can't remember any of what happened.
Next scene, mostly forgotten. It involves riding in the back of some sort of jeep or pickup truck. I am bewildered. I can't remember the rest of the scene or the relevance.
My alarm rings, I unconsciously shut it off. In retrospect (now), I was thinking that I can't stop yet, I have to figure out what happened.
Next scene, the job to which I am currently applying is misrepresented in my dream as a law firm. Instead of two phd engineers, there are two big shot lawyers. I am studying under them. We are in court. I sneak out to the records department while one of the lawyers is talking. I ask for the records of what happened that night convincing the 2 attendants that I am one of the big shot lawyers. One of them congratulates me on a recent big case that was won. I thank her and poorly forge a signature. I sneak back to the court room. I begin reading through the materials. Somehow, I determine that someone snuck into the girl's apartment after I left and killed her. In retrospect (now), I wonder if the person was trying to frame me, and also wonder why I was never considered a suspect.
I am one step closer to finding out what happened, but the real world intrudes. I woke up an hour late today, realizing it was a dream.
It seemed so real.
Jan. 21st, 2006
12:47 pm - *deep breath*
Urgh. Well, I am feeling quite a bit better today.
Thank you to John, Maggie, Eric, Dave, Ultimate, Marcia, Allie, Dan, Carp, Elliot, beer, Muse, and anyone else I'm forgetting for helping me through a really rough couple of days.
Shit still be on my mind, but I can at least wrap my mind around it now.
I love you all.
Jan. 20th, 2006
11:07 am
I suppose if raw emotion were ever dictating a journal entry, now would be a good example of it. No prose, not dicing of words, no tricky clever plays on words. I'm fucking pissed right now.
Between yesterday and today I do believe I've hit a new level of cynicism. I have found that a particular person I promised not to name in this forum has acted in a certain way contrary to everything they told me they would ever do.
I'm fucking pissed about it. It's quite clear that what people say in this world is total bullshit and a person's major life decisions are actually only temporary, until opportunity or whim dictate otherwise. The things that people say they "will never do," or are "always like," is but a pathetic model of the way we wish we could live our lives and doesn't mean shit when it comes to the way we actually act about anything.
When someone says to something like "this is the way I've come to be, and I can't change," what it means is "I am unwilling to alter anything in my life for you."
I fucking told myself I wouldn't be hurt by certain people, and all that fucking seems to have meant was I don't want to get hurt by certain people.
fuck... I'm so tired of this. John, don't take this the wrong way, but I'm really re-solidifying the idea that people like me just don't have a place in this world. I'm not going to off myself or any such bullshit, it just seems like trying to out of your way for people just leads to getting hurt by them.
Every fucking time I've heard the words "I've never met anyone like you," or "you're a special person," or anything remotely similar, ghfdmkjlklj]
It's like people are willing to be walked on by anyone and everyone except for the person who won't do it. That person gets to be the target of all the oppression and anxiety and disappointment that the walked on person has ever experienced.
Why can't I be as fucking callous to all this as everyone else seems to be? This is not the way I had imagined it to be.
Maybe it's true, maybe people never do really change. Maybe what you see is really what you get, and imagining that someone will get over being some way, or that certain feelings or actions are temporary is actually bullshit.
Maybe my imagination is just too swift. Maybe the world is not like this.
fuck.
Perhaps people are not meant to be happy. All I really see when I look around me is people who are at best content. Life for everyone I know is not about happiness. No one is happy these days. There are only certain people who are accepting of their lives, "happy" for small moments only.
Happiness is not a priority of the modern world. There is no happiness here. There is only lies, deceit and selective memory.
This is not suppose to be happening.
Fuck it. What I know anyways? Clearly nothing.
Jan. 9th, 2006
08:58 am - Thoughts Most Meaningless
Today, something has been taken from me. The thing, or object, or concept that has been taken is unimportant, though the consequence may yet prove to be. I have realized or revisited a place in my self. Today it will anger me or sadden me when people see me or talk to me. I am perhaps not as strong as I thought I was. I let too many people down in my life, fled when they needed me, had weakness when they needed strength, myself needed when they could not give.
I have noticed a distinct change in the nature of hope. For me, this does not mean a loss of hope as I had earlier considered, but a metamorphosis. I do not see within me a hope for some thing or some one or some realization or any such object to which hope can be directed. My hope has become hope that there are still things in this world I have yet to find that will once again inspire such earlier hope in me. It is a hope that there is some object or some person or some ideal to which I will once again wish to aspire, or will desire.
My head is in a cloud, or a fog. The memories of my life now existing in my head seem to be colliding with, and perhaps distorting or destroying, each other.
Today, I can no longer think straight. My thoughts are no longer organized enough to describe them here.
I am safe, though I am tired.
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